Attack of the Killer Cliches
by Avianahelena
Summary: Pointless PWP marathon, with some bondage, a little questionable consent and a smidgeon of crack. Pein/Hidan, Hidan/Konan, Pein/Konan and Deidara/Itachi, among others.
1. Submit

**Obligatory disclaimer**: _Naruto _and all associated characters and settings are the property of Masashi Kishimoto. I receive no monetary gain from this heinous misuse of the author's characters, etc, etc.

**Notice**: As of 6/22/12, the author has deemed this work unsuitable for this site. It will move to LJ where it can run free among its warped brethren. Please see ava-scribbles at LJ for the unedited version of this... this. The address is ava-scribbles, followed by a dot and then a "livejournal" and then another dot, and then a 'c' and an 'o' and an 'm', followed by a slash, then the numbers 1033, then another dot, an 'h', a 't', an 'm', and an 'l'. Turn left at the intersection of "wtf" and "why so paranoid, website?"; if you hit "404: address not found", then someone may have flubbed somewhere.

* * *

**Chapter 1: Submit**

The large, cluttered room was silent except for the crackling of the fire in the grate and the scratching of Fearless Leader's pen. Hidan gave the room a cursory inspection before shrugging out of his Akatsuki cloak, sprawling over the nearest chaise and staring up at the mildew-stained ceiling. The place was probably older than Kakuzu, and it showed. Smelled a little, too. The only light came from the fireplace and a pair of oil sconces at either side of the desk where the boss sat. Chains were strewn everywhere, indicating that His Godship probably used the mansion as a prison for his endless supply of enemy ninja and out-of-favor flunkies. Or as a sex den.

Or both. Never knew with Fearless Leader, and it wasn't as though he would tell Hidan about it.

Hidan heaved a sigh. "Fuck, this sucks. Why do I always end up in dank smelly holes like this?"

Pein didn't look up from his scribbling. "Freud would say it's a reflection of your subconscious and that you're drawn to these places because of your repressed sexual desires."

Hidan snorted. "_My_ sexual desires aren't repressed. _You_, I worry about."

Pein made a few more notes and then stashed the scroll in his cloak and raised an eyebrow at Hidan. "I am a god... and I have awesome facial piercings. I get what I need."

"Like hell you're a god," Hidan scoffed.

Pein shrugged. "The fanfic writers believe it, and that's all that matters." He watched Hidan fiddle with his Jashin insignia for a moment and smiled evilly. "They seem to have decided that your religion forbids sex," he informed the Jashinist. Hidan looked up, horrified.

"No fucking way! Where does it say that in the canon?"

"I don't think it does, but it's an established fact in the fandom."

"Oh, sure, I make one speech about the absolute supremacy of my god and suddenly I'm a goddamned monk!" Hidan lapsed into a series of muttered curses while Pein stood from his seat and stretched, sighing. His gaze traveled appreciatively over the half-naked man on the chaise, taking in lean muscles and pale skin and far fewer scars than seemed plausible, given how often the man carved himself up... or let others do the carving. Pein pictured that skin covered with blood and imagined the maniacal ranting turned to husky groans of pain. He could see the violet eyes half-wild with ecstasy... he could smell the blood... A rush he rarely felt anymore ran through him at the thought, and he hardened in his pants.

"Well, on with the plot," he murmured. Hidan's attention returned to him.

"There's a plot? I thought we were just going to have an awkwardly out-of-character dialogue about religion and world domination and then come up with some contrived excuse to fuck one another."

"Let's skip the dialogue." Pein gave Hidan a wicked grin and stalked over to the chaise. "We both know how it goes anyway. I reveal my next plan for world dominion, unaware that the Mary-Sue protagonists are going to thwart all of my ridiculously powerful minions and save the day. You get bored and start to rattle on about the great Jashin's power over all living things. I take it as a sexual challenge. Then we maul each other. So..." he leaned over Hidan, bracing one arm against the back of the chaise and hovering inches from the Jashinist's face. "Forget the sermon, and let me show you a true God of Pain."

The breath that brushed across Hidan's face had no scent. Firelight glimmered on the many piercings and gleamed in the flat-grey rings of the would-be god's eyes... eyes that held lifetimes of torment but not a trace of human compassion. Hidan briefly wondered if his own God's eyes looked that flat and cold.

He decided they probably did. Pein may not be a god, but he for damn sure wasn't entirely human either, and the thought of the tortures that inhuman mind could devise for him made his blood burn and his pants tighten uncomfortably.

Oh right, His Godship wanted a response.

"Might as well, Pein-_sama_," Hidan grinned. "I've got nothing better to do."

* * *

Explicit content has been removed from this story. Please see AvaScribbles at LJ for unedited version.

* * *

A sudden triggering of their instincts caused both men to freeze. For a moment, Hidan couldn't tell exactly what the fuck had just happened, but then Pein's head turned slowly toward the door. Hidan followed his leader's gaze.

In the doorway- the _open_ doorway, Pein realized and wanted to murder Hidan for not shutting the door- stood Uchiha Itachi. Whatever expression he might have worn was hidden behind the high collar of his Akatsuki cloak, though when they spotted him, he did favor them with an embarrassed-sounding grunt before speaking.

"I... I'm sorry, Leader. I was preoccupied and- that is, I didn't mean to interrupt-"

"I don't think that's it," Hidan snickered. Pein glanced down and saw the immortal's mouth curve into a Cheshire cat grin and the violet eyes narrow slyly. Then the silver-haired ninja was on his feet and striding across the room to Itachi, who visibly tensed but didn't move. "I think little Itachi-kun was curious." He gave Itachi a sultry look and drew close.

Itachi took a step back to reestablish his personal space bubble but found himself pressed against the half-naked form of his leader. Pein slipped his arms around the Uchiha's waist and chuckled in his ear.

"That seems _far_ more plausible than your excuse, Itachi," he murmured. "After all, a shinobi of your skill rarely walks into any situation without being fully aware of what is going on."

Judging the mischievous "god" at his back to be a greater threat than the smirking violet-eyed maniac in front of him, Itachi turned to face his leader. The moment he did so, Hidan sprang forward and pulled the Uchiha's forehead protector down over his eyes. In the same moment, Pein swept the red-and-black cloak from his newest victim's shoulders, and both men pressed against their prey, sandwiching him between them. The raven-haired prodigy suppressed a sigh and considered his position.

He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting when he wandered in here or why he was surprised that the reaction he got wasn't the least bit amusing. The fact remained that he'd gotten himself in yet another mess without trying and now must deal with the consequences.

The two of them were being more seductive than threatening... and it would be difficult, not to mention an overreaction, to try to fight them off using jutsu... but maybe it wasn't too late to dissuade them from their perverted whim. He assumed an air of earnest naiveté.

"I wasn't lying," he protested. "The house is secure, and Kisame is usually with me anyway, so there's no need to be so on-guard. Really, ninety-eight percent of the time I'm just wandering around in a daze." He realized he'd taken on the wrong persona when Hidan's tongue ran up one side of his neck and Pein's lips fastened to the other side. Both men were clearly very much aroused, and their hands started to wander.

"Hm, really," Pein murmured, kneeling to divest Itachi of his shoes. Meanwhile, Hidan's hands slipped under the Uchiha's shirt and explored tense muscles, pinching sensitive nipples and making Itachi suppress a gasp. "That doesn't sound like you."

"And you fucking Hidan is totally in-character," Itachi muttered.

Hidan threw his head back and barked a laugh at that. "It makes the fangirls happy," he said, and then his voice dropped to a dangerous, velvety purr. "And so will this."

Itachi felt them pull him away from the open doorway and heard the door slam shut, and then Hidan was attacking his neck again with lips and tongue and teeth. A particularly hard nip below his ear finally drew a gasp from Itachi's throat, and Hidan gave a low hum of triumph and concentrated on that spot. Pein's busy hands ran up and down the younger man's frame, first removing his weapon belt and then unfastening his pants, then abandoning that task to slide up his shirt before returning to his hips. The sheer heat of the two men's bodies pressed against his own started to get to Itachi, but as he tipped his head back to give Pein's mouth access to his throat, he tried one last time.

"You shouldn't assume that I want-" he interrupted himself with another soft gasp when Hidan's hands slipped beneath the waistband of his pants and roughly palmed the rapidly hardening member between his legs. Pein's mouth covered his, cutting off further protest, and Itachi finally gave up.


	2. Scream

Please do note that this story has been moved. This version is but a ghost of the true beast.

* * *

**Chapter 2: Scream**

Hidan felt the Uchiha prodigy relax against him and gave a soft trill of triumph- well, soft for him. It made both of his companions jump, and Pein glared at him briefly before returning to his exploration of Itachi's body. Hidan ignored this and tightened his grip on the young man's cock, beginning a fast stroke that had the raven panting and clutching at the redhead in front of him in moments. Pein, impatient with the amount of clothing Itachi was wearing, stepped back and yanked the younger man's shirt over his head and flung it off to the side.

"Hey!" a new presence in the room made itself known with an indignant shout. This time Hidan didn't pause; merely glanced up, sneered at Zetsu and went back to his work. The plant-like being... beings? The plant pulled the shirt from its landing place on top of his head and dropped it to the floor, grumbling to himself. Himself grumbled back.

"My apologies, Zetsu," Pein breathed without glancing at the new arrival. He spun Itachi around and pulled him back against his chest, and Hidan feverishly stripped the Uchiha of his pants.

"I'll forgive you if you let me watch," Zetsu grinned, eyes flashing with a predatory light.

"Mm, you hear that Uchiha?" Hidan chuckled. "The plant boy wants to watch us getting freaky. What do you think of that?"

* * *

Explicit content removed. Do check LJ for the full version.

* * *

"I have an idea," Zetsu's white side said. Zetsu moved across the room and fished something from Itachi's discarded cloak before approaching the distracted trio next to the fireplace. At his approach, Hidan stopped what he was doing and smirked when Itachi collapsed against Pein, panting and trembling at the respite. The raven head was bowed and the wayward raven bangs hung over the blindfold and stuck to his perspiring cheeks.

Zetsu admired the sight for a moment before grinning slyly and offering a small bottle to Pein, who suspended his own activities and gave the spy a blank look.

"What's this?" he asked.

"Choji oil," Zetsu replied. "You know... for polishing swords," added the white side, and Hidan howled with laughter.

"Well, at least someone thought of lubricant," Itachi observed dryly, lifting his head to shoot Zetsu what would have been a scorching, sardonic look, had he not been blindfolded.

"I'm nothing if not practical," Zetsu replied. "And take that off," his black side snapped at Pein, who obligingly stepped back and shed the rest of his clothing.

* * *

Honestly, that part I only kept because it contains a beauty or two in the pun department.

Um... so then our intrepid heroes chained Itachi to the floor.

* * *

At this moment, the unlocked door admitted another guest to what was originally supposed to be a professional meeting. Kakuzu's money-colored eyes widened in surprise at the sight before him, and he shot a questioning look at the two-toned spy nearby.

"Hiya, Kakuzu," Zetsu cackled, and then he leaned down, snagged Itachi's right ankle and enclosed it in an iron manacle which he attached to yet another chain that was bolted to the floor. "You're just in time for the party!"

It certainly looked like a fun party. Itachi was laid out on the threadbare carpet like a smorgasbord, his arms bound and stretched over his head. His fearsome eyes were covered and his lips were kiss-swollen, faint teeth marks decorated his neck and shoulders, his body gleamed with oil in the firelight, and one leg was now drawn up and away from his body and manacled in place- the work of the devious Zetsu.

Kakuzu was having a fantastic day. Three bags of loot from turning in that guy he killed. The promise of two more hefty bounties on sitting ducks that he could nab as soon as Leader let him go... and now Uchiha Itachi stripped down and bound in chains, ready for claiming. Oh yeah, Kakuzu definitely wanted a piece of THAT.

He strode over to the fireplace and tapped Hidan on the shoulder. "Move it, nut case."

"Kakuzu," the 'nut case' scowled. "Man, way to show up and ruin my fun."

Kakuzu's eyes narrowed and the immortal hurried to comply with his command. He wouldn't put it past that temperamental son of a bitch to cut off something really important. Instead of arguing, therefore, he retreated to a nearby couch and sulked. Kakuzu stood over the bound Uchiha, who could feel his presence and started to look genuinely unsettled. The masked ninja chuckled.

"You're in a bit of a tight spot, Uchiha," he said.

"Not as tight as you might think," Itachi retorted, and then cringed when he realized what he'd said. Hidan and Zetsu roared with laughter.

"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" Hidan shouted and collapsed sideways onto the couch cushions, howling with mirth. Pein leaned against the mantel, laughing helplessly and trying to hide it.

* * *

I'm not sure if a piece that was pretty much trash to begin with can be butchered, but... well... I'm sorry for not going to the effort to make the remains make sense, but that's a job for a day when I feel less irritated at the necessity of the work.

Summary of the rest of this chapter: Kakuzu gets down to business. Konan arrives. Hidan does stuff to her.


	3. Completion

**Chapter 3: Completion**

Sasori and Deidara make their appearance. Kakuzu leaves. Hidan takes an undue interest in pretty blond men, who do not appreciate said interest. Aforementioned pretty blond male takes an interest in a bound Uchiha, who can do pretty much jack-all about it. Read all this and more at a website near you!

I'm going to be perfectly honest here, and say that the only reason I haven't just said "screw it" and deleted my stories from this site is that I want to keep my reviews. There are far better ways to handle this situation than mass purging, and I am very disappointed in this site and its administration.


	4. Victory and Defeat

Content has been edited to meet this site's guidelines regarding explicit content. Full story can be found at AvaScribbles on LJ.

* * *

**Chapter Four: Victory and Defeat**

"Whoa!" Kisame blinked and then leaned in the doorway, grinning. "So, Leader forgot to tell you guys it was a pajama party… and you didn't bring pajamas… so this is your solution, right? Kind of a bad time of year for sitting around naked, isn't it?"

"Must be," Zetsu cracked, grinning. "I mean, look how cold you are. You turned blue out there, man!"

Kisame gave a loud and very sarcastic laugh. "Whatever, Zetsu. I'll leave you kids to your no-pajamas party."

He turned to go, but Hidan, still giddy with endorphins, called out, "Where you going, shark man? I like 'em big and blue."

* * *

You can probably guess what happened here.

* * *

"That was interesting," Zetsu announced. Sasori, still draped over his chaise like a spoiled child sultan, gave a derisive snort.

"Interesting is not the word I would use. Now we have to delay the meeting until everyone regains consciousness." His eyes fell on the bleeding and mostly-insensible Hidan and he snorted again. "And bathes."

"We'll reconvene tomorrow," Pein said. "Someone will need to find Kakuzu and tell him."

Zetsu nodded and faded into the floor, still chuckling diabolically and plotting under his breath.

Kisame rose from his place next to Hidan in the floor and gathered his own clothes and the Jashinist's, gingerly pulling his cloak off of Konan and using it to wrap the whole bundle. He turned a sharp-toothed grin on Hidan, his little black eyes glinting with malice, before turning to Pein.

"I'll see if I can patch him up," he stated, and scooped the weakly protesting immortal from the floor and draped him over one massive shoulder.

"Don't 'patch him up' too much," Sasori advised. "There won't be enough left to catch jinchuuriki."

"I'll leave him in as few pieces as possible," Kisame promised. He stooped to pick up a handy-looking chain from the floor and walked out of the room.

He remembered seeing several wings jutting out from the main building when he arrived, and he took a direction that should lead him to one. Sure enough, in a few minutes he found a large bedroom that was far enough from the main house that the screaming shouldn't disturb anyone. He stripped the dusty bedspread off the bed with one hand before flinging his bloody burden onto the mattress.

"Well, Sir Creepy Jashinist, rest while you can. I don't have any pressing appointments in the next few days, so _you_—" Kisame rattled the chain and grinned a grin that showed every last pointed tooth—"are going to spend that time explaining that BDSM n00b comment."

* * *

"Dei. Hey, Deidara."

Deidara started and looked down. Itachi had shaken the blindfold loose and now gazed up at him with calm, intense onyx eyes—the dreaded sharingan remained inactive for now. "Would you mind?" he asked quietly, rattling his chains a bit.

Deidara shrugged and found the ends of the chain with some difficulty, but after he detached the ends from the ring in the floor, the chains came loose and Itachi sat up and started rubbing the circulation back into his arms. While he did that, Deidara retrieved a senbon and picked the lock on the ankle manacle. Itachi thanked him and stood gingerly, gathering his clothing and pulling on most of it but leaving the voluminous Akatsuki cloak where it lay. He limped slightly when he headed for the door, and Deidara, now fully clothed himself and caught up with an impish impulse, caught up with the larger man and swept him off his feet.

Itachi gave an almost-squawk of indignation and glared at Deidara. "I can walk on my own, thank you," he said, displaying the first sign of real displeasure he'd shown all night. This drew a catlike grin from Deidara.

"Of course you can," he replied, and proceeded to carry Itachi as though he was an invalid. Deidara stopped at the first bedroom they found and set his burden down, then flopped onto the dusty bedspread beside him.

"I would lock the door," Itachi commented. Deidara attempted to snort, inhaled dust and wound up sneezing instead.

"The most dangerous people in the house are already in this room," he said. Nonetheless, he got up and locked the door. Upon his return to the bed, he yanked off the dust-covered quilt and tossed it to the ground; Itachi obligingly moved when Deidara pulled on it and sat on one of the pillows, leaning back against the headboard with a sigh.

"Deidara." he said suddenly. Deidara flung himself back onto the bed.

"Yeah, Uchiha?"

"You know that cold, creeping kind of regret? The one that just sort of curls around your guts and stays there, gnawing on your vital organs?"

Dei paused, thought about it, and finally decided on the simple answer. "Yeah."

"I think we'll all be feeling that tomorrow."

Deidara considered that. "Itachi?"

"Yes, monsieur l'artiste?"

"Do you get paid to say depressing shit like that?"

"No," Itachi replied, and then cracked a rare smile. "But if I did, I wouldn't need this crappy job."

* * *

Back in the Orgy Parlor of Doom, Konan stirred in her sleep and shivered. Pein covered her with his cloak and then stood over her, his ringed grey eyes flat and cold once more.

"It makes absolutely no sense that we were all so thoroughly sidetracked for—" he glanced at Sasori. "How long has it been?"

Sasori shrugged. "Don't ask me. I was here on time. Also, I didn't get sidetracked."

Pein rolled his eyes and then returned his gaze to his sleeping partner. "How would _you_ get sidetracked? Do you even have a penis anymore?"

Sasori shrugged again. "Ask the fangirls."

Pein shuddered. "I'd rather not." He heaved a sigh, hesitated, and then climbed under the cloak and snuggled up behind Konan, who smiled in her sleep and moved closer to him. "Wake us early, Sasori."

Sasori nodded and turned his gaze to the fire. It would burn out before dawn. He should stoke it.

Then again, that would require movement, and the cold would not affect him if he let the fire die. Akasuna no Sasori was impervious to cold. The puppet master smirked and settled deeper into the cushions of the chaise, the firelight playing in his hooded eyes to make him look like a devil lying in wait for unsuspecting prey.

When a distant scream echoed through the mansion's halls, the devil smiled.

* * *

**END**

* * *

The YGOTAS reference was for my gorgeous and wonderful and brilliantly perfect ray of literary awesomeness, xdragonslayerx, who read over the first two chapters of this crap and critiqued even though she doesn't like the Naruverse. She has my undying gratitude, and if she reads this she won't believe a word of what I just said.

Okay, so if I _do_ do any follow-ups my pairings will be a lot more simple and defined. Itachi/Deidara might ensue because, clichéd as it is, I love it. What's better than a relationship between a guy who needs to intimidate and frighten and impress people and a guy who isn't intimidated, frightened or impressed by anyone? Pein/Konan may turn up because it's canon, plus I have a freaking hilarious/horrible idea for it... and Hidan shows up again to fuck with everyone, and I do mean that literally. And... well, I think that's all. I need to go pass out now; orgies are friggin exhausting. Buh-bye.


End file.
